As a marriage and family therapist, I do my best work when I can see a family or couple interact with each other. During a couple's conversation, I can learn much about the communication styles and better understand their strengths and challenges. One of the biggest challenges for a new couple is understanding their different communication styles. Some couples have trouble communicating because they are not communicating at all, and others have trouble understanding each other when they communicate. As an example I'll tell you about a friend I once knew and her communication crisis.
Late one night a girlfriend of mine called me extremely upset about an argument she had with her boyfriend over what she felt started out as a small suggestion. Believe it, or not it was over the route he drove to get home from dinner. She said they were headed home when she made this suggestion,
"Wouldn't it be faster if you went up Lee road?", it sounded like a really reasonable suggestion I thought as she went on to described the conversation.
"If you want, I can pull over and let you drive if you want.", she was completely unprepared for his response.
"No, I don't want to drive, I just think it would be faster if you went up Lee Rd.", she replied.
"I tell you what, why don't you drive your car, and meet me at the restaurant next time. That way you can take your way home and I can take mine.", I believe we can all say he was completely off the chain.
Needless to say the discussion didn't get any friendlier, or their night end as she expected. She was very concerned and upset that she had said something wrong, and ruined the night. I assured her that she hadn't done anything wrong; in fact I had to explain her that what she experienced was just the two of them learning each other’s communication styles. It happens as the couple starts to get a deeper understanding for each other, and began to focus on their relationship.
I asked her if she was sure he understood how pleased she was with dinner and was looking forward to expressing her gratitude at home. She said she wasn't sure, but thought it was obvious the way she wanted to hurry home. Being a male, and now understanding exactly the intent of her suggestion, I explained to her how he might have taken her suggestion as critical of his driving or she was not happy with him in some way. I encouraged her to go back to him and ask him what was his understanding of what she said. I told her to then let him know what she meant by what she said. I was sure she would be surprised at his response.
One of the things I always try to encourage couples to do when they first meet each other, is to have a conversation about communication with each other. It's no longer enough to say that communication is the key to a good relationship, but HOW a couple communicates is essential. A couple has to be able to interpret what the other is saying, and what their partner means.
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