Love, Trust, and Basketball: Do's and Don'ts of Sexting

   Over the past weekend I had a very interesting situation present itself to me from a very unlikely source.  I was in the car with my youngest nephew en route to his basketball practice.  Now I'm a very proud uncle who has taken great pride in my sister and my nephew.  My sister is a very strong independent woman.  Mother of three children, she has raised for the past fourteen years on her own.  Having put her self through school in her late twenty's, she has become a very successful marketing executive. Her children, two beautiful twin girls age 17 and a strong 14 yr old boy who has never given the family much trouble.

   While on our way to his practice, we were talking about the losing streak our favorite professional basketball team (which will go nameless) has been having since one of their star players moved to South Beach last year. When his phone chimed with a text message, he reached for his phone to check the message and began laughing.
 
   "Got another chain joke?", I asked.

   "Naw, just a pic from this girl from church. She's stupid!" he continued to laugh.

   "What's the joke?", thinking it was a silly animated cartoon or silly pic.

    "No joke, just a pic of her."

    Curious to see who she was, I glanced over when the car came to a stop to see the young lady.  Expecting to see a pretty smile on a young girl's face, conveying simple innocence.  I damn near hit the car in front of us, when I saw what caused him to laugh.
   
    "Who the hell sent you that?" I exclaimed as my eyes fell on something only seen in videos found in the back of some seedy and questionable video store, or late night on Skinamax.

"Hold up! You cant be serious? This came from a girl in church," I asked him.

     "Yeah, she's always sending this type of stuff over the phone." he said surprised at my reaction.

      You get this stuff alot from her? Does your mom know about this? What she say?, I asked.

      "Com'on now you know she would drawdown on me if she knew."  Translated for my older readers, basically his mother would have disapproved of the picture. 
   
      After a few more questions, he explained to me that it was becoming common for boys and girls to send nude pictures back and forth to each other. I don't live in a box, and my head isn't in the sand.  I know many people engage in Sexting, but I wonder about the underlining message being sent through this type of activity.  I questioned just what the girls thought of my nephew by sending him these pictures?  Did they think of him as I do... as a young teen with great potential and admirable goals, or did they think of him as a mindless male who thinks nothing more of a woman than a sexual conquest?
    
    As I continued to think of my nephew, I also started to think of the many men and women I know who regularly receive sexual explicit pictures via email or text messages.  What is thought of people who engage in sexting?  What is thought of the person to whom they sent the sext?  What if there were no phones, would people still be sexting?  What would that look like?  Would men just walk up to a woman they meet at a coffee shop and after a few words slip her a business card with a picture of his erect penis on it as if he were professionally networking?  Should women have identification cards with their picture on the front with personal information, and a picture of their bare ass on the back?  How about I just ware a t-shirt with the words 'Show me your tits' on the front. Not that I have one or anything, but I'm just saying  there are a few shirts from Mardi Gra out there that would work. I mean lets cut out the formalities, and just get to what really matters.
   
    I would think that someone with the audacity as to send you an unsolicited picture of their genitalia would not think very highly of you.  Would they think that you were so easy, that a picture would cause you to run over, drop your pants and instantly have an orgasm?  Sadly some people actually do think such things. Maybe because someone has actually responded like that. Then again maybe it's got nothing to do with the person they are sending the picture to, but more so about how they feel about themselves.  Maybe they are so self assured they are willing to share nude pictures with whomever will give them a phone number or maybe the lack of some self confidence and feel they have little else to offer. I really hope that's not the case, and that some people still have some modesty about themselves.

    I've know some women to complain about men they have met who send pictures of their penis over the phone.  Fellas, if you ever have the opportunity to be around a group of women who are talking about their collection of penis pics, you would suddenly be stricken with sympathy for complete strangers.  It needs to be said, men if you can not be sure that your packing the biggest missile in the arsenal, don't expect to awe and shock. You may be disappointed to learn she has hidden a weapon of mass destruction or two in her lifetime, and she is not impressed with your pocket rocket.
   
   I tell the women in my life much the same thing.  I encourage them to detour their male friends from sending that unsolicited sextingpre-adolescent   middle school girl.  The response I get are varied, and sometimes surprising as some woman are incapable of answering the question.  Maybe they should re evaluate the message they send by accepting so little (pun intended) respect from the men they meet. And ladies if you could be in the male locker room at the gym or at the bowling alley on league night.  There is always some man flipping through his 200 pic collection of various women and/or beaming your shots to his friends.  so now your picture is enjoyed by some stranger you will never know, nor do you collect any royalties for your picture.
 
   Now don't get me wrong, I not totally against a little electronic flirting.  In fact I feel it's a great way to keep a relationship fun and interesting. In some instances I've encouraged the activity with some very simple but important rules.  As I said before, sexting is for people who have a high level of love, trust and respect for one another.  There should be a mutual understanding between two mature adults, as to the purpose of the pictures, their use and disposal. Will the pictures be saved or erased immediately?  Each should feel secure that the pictures will not be misused in any way, or the act be held against them at a later date. One can not over look the venerability someone has exposed themselves to when they engage in the activity.  The exposure opens one to criticism from the person who received the picture, or to feel under appreciated by their partners for taking the risk to be so venerable. These are just a few of the rules and understandings a sexting couple will negotiate before running up their texting bill on their cell phone.
  
   As for my nephew and his sexting crazed friends, I reminded him of his self worth image.  A few careful words about what is expected of a young man in our family, and the respect we have for all women. Rather they have it for themselves or not.  I then reminded him of the opinion the general public has of professional ball players who send pictures of their privates to some strangers phone, and how costly it could be.  He was understanding and accepting of the direction I was given him and promptly deleted the pictures from his phone.  Again he has made me a proud uncle, I knew he would take the mature route.  It was either that or I was going to see to it that his phone was cut off for at least six months, after I told his mother.  That's right I would snitch, if it means preserving a child's innocence.  Wouldn't you?    

Mr. What should I say?

We are your typical group of men out for a drink in the local spot to kick of the weekend. We have Tyrelle, (a college grad from a rather prestigious New England University) every thing he says is so profound and intelligent. Unfortunately it's wasted on us after about the third beer, but we entertain his conversation anyway. He can be so sensitive. LaShaun, the womanizer of the bunch claims to be so smooth with the ladies We never see him with the same woman twice, but they are always very beautiful but not all ways the smartest. Steve is Mr Life of the Party, every body loves this guy, and why not... he's funny, entertaining, knows everybody's name. He tends to be the one everyone is looking forward to seeing. Then there is Marcus, he doesn't say much. He just smiles a lot and whispers every now and then. No one ever really notices him, but he's the keeper of secrets and has the dirt on all of us.
  
   A couple of good friends, a few drinks, good conversation and lots of laughs is a great way to past the time to finish a hard week. Until one of the fellas of the group starts to become board, and the conversation changes to something a little more interesting. Oh yeah, it doesn't take long before the conversation turns to women. Then the real fun begins, because we all know that Marcus is a little awkward with the women.... so everyone has their opinion as to how Marcus should try to talk to her.

    Marcus leans over to LaShaun and gestures in the direction of an attractive women across the room. Looking for an opinion on her appearance, and the possibility of what his likelihood of being able to get her attention.

"Go ahead man she's ready, do your best. No... I take that back, do better than your best.", says LaShaun. Laughing as he takes a sip from his beer.

"Ah com'on Shaun, I get plenty of women, I know how to talk to them.", says Marcus.

"Well then... go ahead then and give her that old ass line where you ask her ...'did it hurt when she fell from heaven'. Wasn't that the line Adam gave Eve in the Garden.?", we all laughed.

"Seriously man, try asking her opinion on something. Like ask her if she thinks your shirt works well with your outfit. You know... try to get her talking." Tyrelle suggested. But we all know that Tyrelle's been with his girlfriend for the past six years. He hasn't been on a date since his girl asked him out when they first met.

    "Yeah, like she came out to drink and tell a grown ass man how to dress. Your outfit is fine, that's your Grr-animal outfit. Right?", I almost choked on the buffalo wing I was eating.

"What you want to do is get her to smile at whatever you say. She's really pretty, she looks like she's got herself together anyway. I'm sure she's heard'em all."

"Then... what do ya'll suggest I say then?" asked Marcus.

As he threw his hands up, as if giving up.
Steve looked over Marcus' shoulder for a minute at the lovely looking woman across the room, "Look the bartender just poured her some Henessey. Say something about what she's drinking. Henessey is a strong drink, she knows a little something about her liquor. Try but be witty. Remember you just want to make her smile... get her to laugh with you not at you! I don't want you to go after the phone number off the top, I want you to just meet her, and at least walk away with a name. If you get a club name, cool. You just want to keep the conversation fun and light. No interview questions."
Steve leaned over to Marcus and whispered in his ear. Marcus laughed shrugged his shoulders, stood up and walked over to the  Voluptuous woman. Stood by her a second, turned to speak to the woman and said a few words. She turned to him laughed and smiled.

"What did you tell him to say to her? LaShaun asked.

" I told him to walk over to her and say, 'if you like your men like your drink, give me a shot!' and give her a big smile. Steve smerked.

"That shit worked?!, exclaimed LaShaun.

"He still over there, isn't he?, Tyrelle stated.

The rest of the evening Marcus spent the entire night with the young woman at the bar. At the end of the night he came back smiling like the cat that ate the canary.

    Steve had made a very good point with switching up the line. The young woman was impressed with Marcus' interest and his attentivenes to her. He was very successful using humor to brake the ice with her which helped her to feel at ease talking with him. Marcus is just like many men and women who allow their fear of rejection keep them from meeting new people. Too caught up in the concern of feeling rejected, they choose to say nothing at all or say the wrong things.

    I completely agree with what Steve was suggesting to Marcus. In fact the best way to meet new people and to increase your dating is to change your mindset about approaching someone. Decide to approach someone with the sole purpose of making a new friend, not meeting your new husband or wife. Lose the idea that you have to score, and accept the goal of just enjoying the company of a new friend. It will make those first few words to a new face come easily and your weekends full.

Excuse Me...Can You Tell Me Why He Cheats?

     Just recently I was in a discussion with a friend who asked me a very unusual question. That caused me to pull out the books, ask a few friends, and do some soul searching for the answer to her question.  I've heard this question so often, I felt compelled to find an answer that would leave no further questions . Any man who knows a woman can contest to this question, being asked of him at least once in his life time.  Usually the question will come up almost a mixed crowd of men and women in a conversation about relationships.

    At sometime during the discussion I'm asked to explain the behavior of some man who's behavior defies all logic.  "Can you tell me why a man would cheat with another woman who is not as established nor has achieved as much as his wife or girlfriend?"... I'm asked by some really troubled woman.  Not having the time to go in to great detail when asked, I usually give a standard tongue-in-cheek answer, "Somebody has to be Captain Save-Hoe." While in this particular forum, I'm going to go into a little more detail as to how one becomes the hero and why.
  
     First, let's come to a mutual understanding about men.  I think we can all agree that most men have a competitive nature.  It has been the experience of most men while growing up that competition was a way of connection.  As young men, competition is a essential part of play among friends and family.  There are competitions for just about everything. Various competitions for literally everything to measure superiority, who's the fastest, strongest, bravest, smartest and etc., As men can continue to be competitive among our peers, for status, control, and financial dominance.  We even live vicariously through our businesses, our families, different sports teams and anything else we can take personal pride or claim as our own.  A  man's competitive nature can be so extreme it has been know to create riotous behavior at sporting events, and even create national controversy at the Olympic events.  Yet, this continues drive to be dominate is considered healthy male bonding.
  
    There's just one other point here i would like to introduce in regards to the changing nature of women. Over the past fifty-six years a growing number of women have been entering college, job market, becoming entrepreneur, and increasingly self sufficient.  They have been very successful as professionals and paraprofessionals in the labor force, as well as marinating a nurturing, supportive spirit at home. A woman's skill to balance both roles has become essential to her ability make substantial accomplishments.
        
    Take a self-sufficient professional women and a competitive egocentric man and you have the answer to the original question.  Some men are so competitive, they can become threaten by an independent woman's increasing evidence of success.  To compensate for his own feelings of inadequacy he will choose the company of another woman in which is status in the relationship is dominate.  Usually this will be the company of a woman(or in some cases a man) with less achievement and has some level of immediate need.  The sexual appeal of the other woman he chooses has little to do with his decision to cheat with her, and very often has more to do with his personal interest to satisfy his need to be dominate in his personal relationship.  In most cases when comparing the women involved in an affair they will differ greatly either in appearance, age, achievement, IQ, employment or even race.
   
    When asked the original question by a women, I often answer their question with a mound of support and challenge them to look within themselves for the solution to change their experience. After answering the question, I often ask them if they believed all men were like this or do they secretly have a propensity to choose highly competitive men.  Nine times out of ten I find that I'm talking to a very independent woman who has an attraction to the extremely confident and competitive men. ironically these same men, who have cheated or had extramarital affairs will return to the strong independent woman after the cheating has lost its appeal.

    Thus, there is no place in a relationship for competition or status and control.  Just room for true open and honest communication between lovers to discuss their feelings of vulnerability and insecurities.    

It's not you, It's your badass kids!

I was talking with a friend the other day about some dating experiences he had in the past, it was the typical type of conversation about his dates.  We talked about what he liked about one particular woman and what he didn't like about another.  He really wasn't saying anything surprising to me, until he began to discuss this one woman in particular.  I could tell that he really liked this woman.  He described her as being really smart, attractive, warm, and interesting.  His face perked up and smiled as he described the date. Just as quickly as his demeanor perked up, it fell even quicker as he described his experience with her four children. I could tell he wasn't going to call her for another date anytime soon.

   Although it may not seem like a big thing with dating someone with children, it can in fact be a major deal breaker.  In talking with other men who are dating women, the question often comes up, "Would you date a woman with children?"  Aside from the usual responses, there seemed to be one reoccurring conclusion among the men.  The fact that the woman had children really wasn't the problem. In fact it was becoming expected by men who were dating.  Some men didn't even mind the number of children a woman had at the time, neither the ages of the children.  What seemed to be the number one concern for men dating a woman with children was the children behavior. Many of the men were more concerned with the behavior of the children rather than the fact that the woman had children.

     One man in particular, described a horrific experience he had over a four month relationship with a woman and her two children.  He sated that she was everything he wanted in a woman.  Smart, educated, professional, caring, and nurturing.  She was mother to two children, a boy of 9 years of age and a daughter of 12.  For the first few outings with her and the children things went really well, sometime after the children got comfortable their beautiful personalities turned demonic.

      The twelve year old decided that her curfew was too early and came home sometime after midnight on a summer night. When her mother went to address the childs deliquent behavior, she was hit with a barage of profinites, and disrespectful comments.  He said he fell to the floor and covered his head expecting the twelve year olds teeth to go flying through the air like bomb shrapnal. To his surprise and disbelief the mother continued to argue with the child well into the early morning.
    
     As he continued to spend time with the woman and her children the children's poor behavior and disrespect seem to worsen. The children's disrespect, lying, laziness, stealing, and abusive behavior continued unaddressed by the mother. He started to wonder about the control the woman had over her home, children and her life if she was unable to control her childen.  He quickly realized, the woman was looking for Captain Save a Sista to control her children and her life.  When the relationship ended, he said there was little he could remember about the relationsihip, but he remembered everything about the children's behavior.  It was just too much for him to learn to love a woman and dicipline her children at the same time.
     Although this may not be the case for a lot of single parents out there, but for those who wonder why they didn't get a call after their new love meets the family.  You might want to take a look at the children.  They maybe telling you, to fix your home life before you attempt to fix your love life.

He has an "S" on his chest...

   Recently I attended the high school class reunion of a woman I was dating.  It was my very first class reunion, and I was surprised at the number of people who returned for the class reunion.  Everywhere I turned there was people hugging and shaking hands.  Women screaming as they saw old high school friends. Classmates exchanging business cards while talking of their old high school days. 
 
    Sometime during the evening I met a gentleman by the name of Ethan, a classmate of my date, a very handsome man.  Now Ethen was in his early thirties, single, and a young executive with a marketing firm.  Ethan was articulate, funny and very charming with the ladies. Had he had an "S" on his chest and a red cape on his back it wouldn't have surprised me. He was gonna be somebodies Superman. During dinner several people commented on how attractive Ethan was and didn't understand why he was still single. Then a bomb exploded,
 
     "Hey Ethan, there's Kelly!", Ethan's head swivel so fast. I was sure it went around completely twice.  I was waiting for it to fall to the floor.

     "Where?", Ethan said. Almost spilling a glass of red wine on himself.

     "Over there at the table by the wall.  Damn, she's looks good. Hey... whatever happened with you two?   For awhile everyone thought you two were dating." asked one of the men at the table.

     Ethan's head turned back around, shoulders lightly hunched and head dropped a little.  And quickly mumbled, "Nothing, we cool.  I just haven't talked  to her in a while."  It was clear to everyone Kelly was Ethan's kryptonite.
  
After a few questions, and comments it finally came out that Ethan had been carrying a thing for Kelly since they were back in school, but didn't pursue her cause she was seeing another guy at the time.  Ethan explained how close he and Kelly had gotten as friends, but because she had a boyfriend at the time he never expressed how he felt about her.

      "Well there she is now, and she's still single.  She's divorced now with two children. You should go say something to her.", my date said excitedly.
   
      "No. Things have changed. People change, and I'm sure she wont even remember me or how close we were?", Ethan sounded defeated.
  
     As the evening continued, I couldn't help but to think of how Ethan was feeling about Kelly.  It was obvious he still adored Kelly, but I was puzzled by his response to the suggestion.  I thought this might have been a good moment.  I mean, this was a second chance for him to chase his heart's desire and he talked himself out of it.  He didn't even take the chance to find out how Kelly felt or for that matter if she even remembered the attraction the two of them had together. Ethan was letting his opportunity slip again.
  
     I've heard stories like Ethan's all the time of someone letting an opportunity for self growth and happiness slip away from them.  Although I know it's especially hard in Ethan's case because he was trying to be a friend and not bust up her relationship with her boyfriend, but it was obvious he hadn't let go of his feelings.  In such a situation the risk he had to take to just speak to Kelly, would have been well worth the small amount of disappointment. At the very least it could bring closure to his feelings and he could stop caring a torch for her.  Then again, the risk he could have taken, could have change his life forever for the better.
  
     Given a second chance would you take the risk?  Even some ten years later.

We broke up over a damn post-it-note

     Recently I befriended a woman, whose specialization is social media and networking.  Through our friendship I've learned more than I've ever wanted to know about Facebook, MySpace, Linkin and etc.  Originally, I started using social media for keeping up with friends and events. The Invites, games, and the status updates kept my days fun and interesting.  Then I started to hear that friends and couples were breaking up, or fighting because of information from a Facebook.  These couples were breaking up because of a "post-it-note".  I found it hard to believe, until I had some Facebook drama myself.

     Just over this past year, I was dating a woman I met during a Cavs game.  A very attractive woman whose company I found very pleasant over dinner.  She seemed to have everything going for her, and I was very pleased to know her.  During one of our dates, she inquired if I had a Facebook page and asked me to accept her friend request. Since we had been dating a few weeks, and I had gotten to know her a little bit, I was comfortable accepting her as a friend on my page. At the time I had limited access to my page, but was able to accept request via text messages.  She sent the request and I accepted via text message.  An hour or so later I received a phone call from her,

     "I was looking over you're page over." she said. "I didn’t know you knew her. How do you know her?"

      Now, at the time I didn't think much of the question, because I often get the same question from allot of people when they join my page. So it was know big deal to explain that I know the woman form a social organization I belong to.

      "Well I see you also know A.....,” Okay, know the warning light is on and it's yellow. "I see she commented on the page about how happy she was to see you on your page."   The light is now bright red.  Sensing her insecurity of the situation, i assured her that the woman was just an associate that I haven't seen or spoken to in months.  Having done the best i could to ease her concerns, I apologized for having the end the phone call, but I had to get back to work. A few hours later, I received a phone call from my friend and associate I was just talking about.

      "I just received a phone call from a friend of mine, I didn't know the two of you were in a relationship.,” she stated.

      "We've gone out a few times but nothing official. Why what's going on?", suddenly warning lights are red and flashing.

      "Well she asked me the nature of our relationship and if we had dated. I told her how we met and that I see you from time to time when I’m out." Okay...I'm being investigated now.

       When I got an opportunity to speak with her again, I got the third degree on another mutual friend from my FB page.  At this point I was becoming annoyed, and was about to ask if she had a concern about my FB page. She blurted,

     "I see from you photos you know allot of people. There are just too many people on you page to just be friends and associates.  I think you should loose my number."  Warning lights, bells, flags, and whistles are at full blast, suddenly, I'm looking for the fastest way out of the situation. Where's the stop button on this ride I got to get off.  I couldn't think of anything else to say but,

    "Okay, no problem."  I didn't just dodge a bullet; I dodged a nuclear warhead of dealing with someone highly insecure and still dealing with issues from a previous relationship.  Needless to say, I'm very leery of social media and dating relationship.

     I was lucky; I've heard worst stories involving public humiliation, both personal and professional.  Everything from announcing the break-up of a relationship, the loss of a job, to contracting an STD are all fair game to be put on display and misused. People in relationships are using social media to air their dirty laundry and find dirty laundry on their partners, friends and lovers.

     I discourage the use of any social media in making any decision on your relationship.  Please don't use FB, MySpace or any other social media as a measurement of your relationship.  Talk to your partner, ask about what you seen, heard or read.  Never assume anything, until you have heard it from the people themselves. Besides, you can't always believe the writing on the wall.

You Think too Many Women to One GOOD MAN?

Let's keep it one hundred, can we?  I mean really keep it true.  Now I may catch hell about  this later, but I just felt it was time to correct a misunderstanding I hear from woman frustrated with the dating situation.
         It always seem to come out during a social gathering of men and women, a woman will say, "Men have it easier then women. There are so many more women to men in the city. They have their pick."... oh here we go.  Naturally a man in the group will deny the statement.  Well... NOT ME!  I completely agree with the sistas, fellas we got it good.  We get our pick.

     That's right its the truth, and we are obligated to deny just how good we got it.  I mean yeah we got it good out here. We can walk into any scene and come out on top, just in the number of women.  Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about.  Women of all shapes, sizes, styles, and flavors.  Tall ones, thick ones, pretty ones. Light skinned, dark skinned, long hair, short hair, straight, nappy, big whateva, donkey sized, etc.  We got it made. That is if we are in the mood for something temporary, unfulfilled, and shallow.  In that case, we are living the good life.
     However, there are those brothers among us that are looking for something special and solid. Someone we can give our first, and save our last to.  Someone we can love and trust with our best and our worst.  Someone for whom we could paint her grey sky blue, someone to whom we will always be true.   Yeah, I'm talking about a brother who wants a life with a wife.  It's a completely different story for that brotha.  When that brother steps into the room, he has something completely different.  Maybe of the ten women he could choose, he has to find that special someone.
     Believe it or not he has his hands full trying to avoid, the women with no goals or ambition in their lives. They merely exist for the reason of existing.  Wanting and waiting for what the good life has to give them and doing nothing to change their situation other than find that man who is willing to give it to her.  Maybe not so much a problem... if you're the type of guy wanting women to keep, but there aren't many men out there that just want a pet.  Well right off the top, that takes out three women of the ten he can call worth his time.
     Now it doesn't get any easier for a brotha at this point, he now has to invest a little more time to get to know a few of the seven to realize they are not worth his time.  I'm talking about that particular sista, that can't see this brotha beyond, the clothes he wears, the car he drives, or the job he has. Oh don't get me wrong she's doing really well for herself, however she wants a brotha to come to the table with better than she brought.  She really not looking to be loved, there's no status in being loved.  Right there we can write off two of the ten women he encounters for that day.  Leaving him with only four that he would possibly stop everything in his world to make happy.
   
     The odds are still looking pretty good for a brotha until you add baggage. Did you really think we were not going to add baggage? You can't leave that out!  You can take two off of the four for the unresolved baggage, and drama that will follow. You usually can tell these women up front, they're quick to tell you what they will and won't put up with. Tell you how brothas will always cheat and they can always give you the latest ... "how bad it really is for a sista out here," story.

   Leaving him with the two women that will likely ever cross his life time if he's lucky.  Lucky that is as to not have gotten caught up with the wrong woman, given up on finding a good woman, or ventures off to other pastures (which is even harder than were he's at now).

   Ladies, let me be the one to give up the game on this one.  Just as difficult as it is to find a good man, it is just as difficult to find a good woman.  Oh... I'm not going to lie, it's good to have a large quantity to choose but then you won't be looking for quality it's just too much.  So be assured my sistas, a quality woman will always win out over quantity. So Ignore the numbers, keep you style fresh and you business tight, and you will stand out among hundreds.

Please Shut UP and Listen...Or I'm DONE!!!

    One of the most difficult things I have encountered with working with couples is ... getting the couple to  respect a person's right to speak.  It is every one's right to speak freely.  It has been since the signing of the Declaration of Independence ... yet it is the most violated right between two people in a relationship. 

   In several blogs I have encouraged conversation with a partner to address any conflictual issues. Easier said than done... I know at times, especially when the other party repeatedly dominates the conversation.  Having someone interrupt you while you're speaking has to be one of the MOST insensitive, intrusive, and demeaning acts in a couple.  Especially during a heated discussion.  Unfortunately, It is one of the most accepted acts of communication among friends, family and couples.When I inquire of people who continue to interrupt people when they speak, I get a variety of explanations.,

• "I had something to say, and I needed to get it out."

• "I couldn't wait till she was finished, she can go on forever."

• "She had nothing important to say anyway."

     All of which have been said by both partner in a relationship.  However, when asking the person who was interrupted, as to how they felt about being interrupted.  Their focus went from the topic of the discussion, to self processing feelings of disrespect, anger, frustrations and annoyance.  Now... I will be the first to admit in the heat of an argument, cutting me off sends major messages to me about how the person values my opinion and possibly me. So I could really empathise with them about being cut off in mid conversation.

     Usually for me when I get cut off like that, it's a wrap for the conversation. So I can imagine for the many people who get cut off... they are doing the same.  Thus, you can see that one of my biggest jobs in mediating a conversation with a couple, is allowing each partner their opportunity to speak. Helping the other partner to understand the damage they are doing in interrupting their partner's point is a handful as well.

   So readers, I'm going to leave you with this pearl.  If you want to convey to your partner that you truly care, respect and love them, then SHUT UP... Let them speak. You'll find that you can say more, with less.

How about dinner and a fight?

     As a marriage and family therapist, I do my best work when I can see a family or couple interact with each other.  During a couple's conversation, I can learn much about the communication styles and better understand their strengths and challenges.  One of the biggest challenges for a new couple is understanding their different communication styles.  Some couples have trouble communicating because they are not communicating at all, and others have trouble understanding each other when they communicate. As an example I'll tell you about a friend I once knew and her communication crisis.

     Late one night a girlfriend of mine called me extremely upset about an argument she had with her boyfriend over what she felt started out as a small suggestion.  Believe it, or not it was over the route he drove to get home from dinner.  She said they were headed home when she made this suggestion,

    "Wouldn't it be faster if you went up Lee road?", it sounded like a really reasonable suggestion I thought as she went on to described the conversation.  

     "If you want, I can pull over and let you drive if you want.", she was completely unprepared for his response.

      "No, I don't want to drive, I just think it would be faster if you went up Lee Rd.", she replied.

      "I tell you what, why don't you drive your car, and meet me at the restaurant next time.  That way you can take your way home and I can take mine.", I believe we can all say he was completely off the chain.

     Needless to say the discussion didn't get any friendlier, or their night end as she expected.  She was very concerned and upset that she had said something wrong, and ruined the night.  I assured her that she hadn't done anything wrong; in fact I had to explain her that what she experienced was just the two of them learning each other’s communication styles. It happens as the couple starts to get a deeper understanding for each other, and began to focus on their relationship.

     I asked her if she was sure he understood how pleased she was with dinner and was looking forward to expressing her gratitude at home.  She said she wasn't sure, but thought it was obvious the way she wanted to hurry home.  Being a male, and now understanding exactly the intent of her suggestion, I explained to her how he might have taken her suggestion as critical of his driving or she was not happy with him in some way.  I encouraged her to go back to him and ask him what was his understanding of what she said.  I told her to then let him know what she meant by what she said.  I was sure she would be surprised at his response. 

  

     One of the things I always try to encourage couples to do when they first meet each other, is to have a conversation about communication with each other.  It's no longer enough to say that communication is the key to a good relationship, but HOW a couple communicates is essential. A couple has to be able to interpret what the other is saying, and what their partner means.   

Interview with a Playa: The Playa Chronicles

Can we be bluntly honest here for just a few minutes, and talk about "The Game".  No I not talking about the how the Seahawks blasted the New Orleans last Sunday.  I'm talking about the dating game and a few plays that are bona fide touchdowns. I'm not talking about the typical short yardage play, which can get you but so far.  I mean the bread and butter plays that are past down from one play maker to another play maker, father to son, and uncle to nephew.  The plays kept secret from the women, for fear of having your player card revoked and destroyed among his peers.  I'm talking about the Art of the Pick-Up.

Now I'm no pick-up artist, player, balla, or man whore by know means (stop rolling your eyes) But I have friends that consider themselves to be, and on occasion they have been willing to share a few of their skills with me in the midst of hunting for their next piece. I've been told many a way to size up a woman from the fellas.  Everything from does her outfit match and up to date, is her hairdo tight and popin, is she lady like or mannish and etc. But now advise has seem the most interesting and the most useful as the one given by a very wise old friend of mine from Cleveland’s East side, "Shut up and pay attention, she'll tell you what she wants you to say. That's how you get her number."

When you meet a women for the first time, let her talk.  Get her to talk and let her talk as much as she wants and listen to the things she talks about. He told me the more she talks about in that first encounter the more you are just like her.  If she's a music lover, guess what so are you.  If she's in to holistic stuff, you want to know more about it.  If she's about family, tell her how important family is to you. If she's a Browns fan (God bless her), be sympathetic (very sympathetic) and tell her how truly dedicated a Browns fan you are.

   

It took me a while to understand exactly what he meant by what he was saying, but over the years I picked up on it. I wasn't listening to the women; I wasn't following their lead.  I was always thinking my next move, or my next line to get what I wanted.  Too worried about being smooth, not looking foolish or saying the wrong thing.  As I put his words to wisdom into my personal and professional life, I realized that we as men often aren't paying attention.  We may become to focused on the next line, the next rebuttal or the next move and completely miss the message.  I know the source of the message may have been questionable, and its purpose twisted, but the message was very valid. I guess you can learn a thing or two from an old playa.

Didn't you get my text..."It's over!"

     I am a gadget fanatic!  That's right I admit it, I have the latest IPhone, IPad the largest HDTV flat panel screen, and several game systems.  I can text, BBM, SMS, MMS, Skype, Tango and Twitter better then I can balance my checkbook.  I get my email from five different email accounts, can tell you the best restaurants in a 5 mile radius, tell you the flight schedule for Delta, Continental, and Southwestern.  Find the best dance clubs, the closest playhouse, even detour around traffic jams in  minutes.

     Technology has made life easy. It has made my day easier, and made me an instant expert on anything I can Bing. All aspects of my life have become easier thanks to technology and the portable gadget.  All except one, relationships. OMG...it can become the most stressful part of my day.  Day in and day out I have noticed the conflicts in relationships caused by a text messages or BBMs, or chat message.  More and more relationships of my friends and family have been stressed out over a message that came from a little black box in their pocket. After a few of my own experiences dealing with black box conflict, I realized the problem that technology has created.  Technology has given couples the ability to be disconnected and distant from one another in the most crucial times.

     If you've ever gotten the earth shaking text messages in the middle of your work day, late at night, or in the middle of a very public situation. Then you know what I'm talking about.  The person has just sent a message that they are unhappy with the relationship, they are upset with something about you, canceling a date, or whatever.  Suddenly you have to stop what you're doing and find out why so you text them back, then there is a response only longer, then there is your response and on and on.  After everything is said and done you realize you've held a complete conversation, over the past hour that ended in the end of the relationship. 

     People, I implore you to please put the phone down and sit down to have a conversation about your issues, concerns and complaints with your partner.  That is as long as it's safe.  Our black box communications distance us from the impact the words we use on our partner.  We don't have to see the pain, and disappointment on their face.  We can easily end the relationship with a push of the end button with no emotional residue. Is this the value of our relationships in our lives now?  Can we really write off a relationship with someone we have shared our most intimate feelings?  Leaving them to question what happened, and wanting to see you, or to talk face-to-face one last time?  Have we become so callous for something we at one time may have been ready to give your life to.

      If you find yourself in a relationship where your most delicate relationship concerns have been documented in SMS or MMS.  Please.... stop and ask yourself, "If I truly care for and value this person about to receive this message, don't they deserve more than just a vibrating pocket?"

    

A New Year and A New Start with New Friends

I know everyone has made resolutions for the New Year, and usually they are the typical resolutions that come around every year.  You know the ones we hear every year,...I want... to lose weight, eat healthy, meet new, people, get married etc.  I'm no exception to the resolution craze, except this year I was a little more creative and concise about it for this year.  And what good is a resolution if you don't share it with someone to keep you on task... so I'm sharing this with you.  

This year I've decided to do away with the most boring of conversation when meeting new people in a social setting.  That awkward...not quit sure what to say conversation that usually ends up in a interrogation.  "What do you do for a living?", "Where did you grow up?", "What school did you attend?", "When did you graduate?,"Who are you here with?", "Are you married?", "....BORING, RUDE, AND INTRUSIVE.  After the first twenty minutes of meeting someone new, I felt I should have been read my Miranda Rights and contact my lawyer.  No... THIS YEAR is  going to be different.  New starts to new friendships.

Lets talk about music, how great the play was, or what a great outfit, or maybe ask them what they think of my outfit.  Anything except the typical standard questions.  I may even try to crack a harmless joke on the situation, setting or event.  Build a report with the person before getting into "The getting to know" your resume.

Getting the person's opinion is another way to warm up to the person.  I just recently joined a global organization, I'm always interested to here an older members opinion on membership.  Getting them to talk with me about something other than the typical who you know things.  I have found this is a great way to learn more about with whom I'm speaking with.

These are just a few new ways to try to build a relationship with someone.






    

You just lost ONE...

   There have been a few occasions in which i have been asked my opinion... on the latest girlfriend or boyfriend of friends and family (something I find very hard to do at times).  They always ask me... if the person they have met will be a good match for them or if they would make it as a couple.  I usually give them the standard answer..."I don't know".  However that's not entirely true.  I watch for signs in their interactions with each other... warning signs if you will, that this latest connection won't last long.

  

Sometime during the summer I met a friend of a woman I know while on a double date.  The friend was accompanied by a man she was familiar with and stated that she found really interesting.  During the date, I observed her body language and his body language.  It wasn't long before I could see the date was going to end as soon as the check hit the table.  He was very aloof and stand offish.  He laid back from the table with his body slightly turned toward his date.  She on the other hand was completely turned away from him, almost with her back to him, but sitting erect in her chair.  While he was quietly scanning the room behind me as I sat across the table from him. I notice a light smirk of contempt for the situation on his face.  However she was completely engaged in a conversation with us across the table.  I attempted to save the situation and invited her date to join the conversation by asking him to share his opinion on the subject.  He looked startled....that deer in the head light look crossed his face.  I felt panicked and wanted to stomp the brakes and swerve to avoid hitting him.  Luckily he snapped out of his daze and began to speak.  He sat up in his chair, and leaned forward to contribute to the discussion.  His date turned towards him as if to give him her full attention, but stopped short of a 180° in her chair and answered for him.

    

 Later I was able to talk to her date, we had a small "Come to Jesus Meeting" when the women went to the bathroom.  In so many words, he told me he was sure the two of them was a perfect match. I was completely floored.  How could he be so blind to the signals she was giving?  Then again, he really didn't care to pay attention.  He clearly missed... HER MEMO... short of getting up from the table and leaving him with the bill, and even worse US with him. He never paid attention to the signs... Her BODY LANGUAGE! So you know what happen... He Lost One (Her)!

     

On occasion we have tendency to be completely oblivious to the subtle messages in body language.      

To Lecture or Listen...

     Have you ever suddenly found yourself in a lecture on a date?  I mean at some point in time during the date you feel you should be taking notes because they seem to have become an expert on everything.  You originally started talking about the artistic differences between 90's Hip-Hop and current music, to suddenly being schooled in something called a TR-808 and the bass line.  Now your listening to something you have no interest in or care to continue listening.  Even worse when being advised how and why you should like 80's music over 90's.  You feel as if you have had no idea about what you were talking about.

     Then there are those dates that make you feel the center of attention.  Where your opinion and thoughts are valued and appreciated.  Maybe you were telling them your interest in digital photography, and you were asked to give your opinion a good camera.  The person was sincerely interested in your work and even asked you to review their photography skills. You walked away from the date feeling the person was interested in you and really listened to what you had to say. You came away wanting to see that person again, for another date and sharing more with each other.

    Well when you meet someone for the first time and actually sit down to have a conversation, you have a fifty-fifty chance of talking to a lecturer or a listener.  A lecturer does just that, they lecturer and attempt to impress you with their knowledge and expertise in something you already knew well.  Then again you have the chance of having a listener.  Someone who shows interest in you, and is excited to hear more about your interest and experience.  Most of the time this has been the complaint of many women I've worked with.  I'm often told their date just didn't seem interested, or seem to care about their opinion. Often lectures are men, but sometimes they are women. 

    Are you a listener or are you dominating the conversation with you expertise and knowledge and tend to lecture your date to boredom?  Can you share a time you realized you were dating a lecturer?

Just a few Rules of Engagement

   It’s wrong I tell you, just plain wrong to get hit with “the talk” when you least expect it at the most inopportune time. You know “the talk”, that conversation that requires your full attention and time to come to a resolution.  It’s the conversation you start with a deep sigh and a thought to your self, “This is really not the time for this”.

   While working with couples I encourage them find a time that best suits both of them to address sensitive issues, and to avoid inopportune timing or situations. Thus, their partner maybe more open to their message. These are just a few suggestions.

v     Try to avoid starting “the talk”, when there are time limitations.  Fifteen minutes before you have to go to work has to be one of the worst.

v     If either partner is sleepy, hungry, intoxicated, late at night or tired. Both partners should be physically at their best.

v     Avoid public gatherings, in front of children or family events. The topic will eventually be about the embarrassment on partner feels, rather than the issue at hand.

v     Texting the “the talk”, is a major taboo. It invites misunderstanding, and limits the ability for clarification.  I suppose that’s why you’re limited only 65 characters per text.

I’m sure you can share a few of your own experiences about getting caught with “the talk” from a partner.

"He's not cheating, they're just really close..."

   Emotional Infidelity in a relationship has become so common in the African-American community that it is no longer recognizable in our day to day interactions.  I'm not talking the obvious "catch'em in the act," kind of cheating.  I'm talking about the more subtle kind of cheating that leaves you wondering about the strength of your relationship, and second guessing your partner.
   Sometimes these subtle love triangles may involve a friend, a co-worker, or even a close confidant.  These sexually charged, emotionally intense, yet strictly platonic relationships can put a drain on a couple's relationship.  In my experience working with couples, I have noticed some common signs of this which we call "emotional cheating".
    Have you ever been in a relationship with an emotional cheater? What were the signs you noticed?